Lost in Paradide...

I'm lost. Chicago is so amazing and there is so much to offer here, but I feel so lost today. It all started last night... well maybe Friday night. I was having a great week, and have been doing so much and then on Friday I decided to go to the movies with my roomate. We drank a little, then came home and invited some people over. People meaning the German. We all went out to the bar and had a splendid time, so spendid I was blacked out before I got home.

Thank GOD that Marco (my roomate) was with me, because I'm not sure where I would have ended up. I haven't been drunk like that in FOREVER... and I swear I only had a few Seabreezes, well and no dinner. I was so drunk I stole flowers out of a bathroom and PUT THEM IN MY PURSE TO TAKE HOME! Then I proceeded to ask the bouncer for his number and when I looked at it Saturday I could barely read it... Not too long after that I put my purse on the ground to find my phone (which I used to DRUNK DIAL LOGAN AT THREE IN THE MORNING, even though I had already semi-drunk dialed him at 11) and fell not once, but twice, flat on my ass, which is better than my face I guess. I came home and stripped through out the house and put on some silky ass night gown and refused to sleep in my bed, for some God forsaken reason because I have the dreamiest thread count... I woke up and felt so stupid.

I haven't been drinking very much lately, those binge drinking college days are definitly in the shadows, so I don't know how it happened. I mean I had a great night, talked to all of these fabulous people, and ended up riding in the back of a truck to my freaking apartment. Needless to say, Saturday was unfortunatly unproductive. I want to call the bouncer because he was ridiculously good looking and I need a strong man in my life, but from the chicken scratch on the NEWSPAPER I wrote it on, I think he'll think I'm some sort of flaky lush... I mean I am a lush, but in a good way : ) I'm usually the life of the party who helps girls like me. Am I becoming some sort of low tolerance lightweight or what?

And speaking of Logan, I haven't talked to him in a while. I went back home and went to his house to hang out and all of these people were there, and he had to leave to go to a meeting (which I didn't want to wait around for him to get done with) so we had almost no alone time, and so I'm sure he's far past over me. God I wish he wasn't so delicious.

Ok, so back to topic. Saturday night I just went out for a good no drinking dinner night with some of my girls and came home and got a suprise haircut from a good friend (who is a seriously divine hairdresser), and it looks AMAZING.

Sunday... I tried to be super productive. I made Marco and Dionne (my other roomate) clean the house with me, then we all went shopping and to the laundrymat and I felt really productive, like I was actually doing some good with my life. We came home, I made us a fantastic dinner, we watched a movie... and then I went to bed. As I layed there I just started thinking of all of these things I'm not doing. Like having a boyfriend, going out, going to grad school, and I started missing my family and before you knew it, I was balling hysterically. I felt so lost. So alone. How can you feel alone when you're surrounded by people?

Marco and Dionne were still up, so I came out of my room like a 5 year old and just talked to them forever, told them all of these crazy thoughts going on in my head, and they definitely cheered me up and we all kind of agreed we feel the same (we all just move here from a different state, and no, we didn't know each other at all.)

So maybe I'm not so crazy for feeling so alone surrounded by people. I think I just need to keep my chin up and make myself just as fabulous in Chicago as I was back home. It's a fresh start. I can be whatever I want to be.